et in arcadia ego

Hello world.

It strikes me that I’ve begun entries in a similar fashion before. I’d search and look, but I’d prefer to sit with a bit of amusement on the couch and continue to discuss instead. Ah, life.

It has been by my count more than five months since my last post here, a drought not seen in a long time. What happened? Well, my apologies friends, life happened. In the last six months or so I have graduated medical school, moved to the country (music) capital of NSW and begun working as an intern doctor (or ‘junior medical officer’), raised from 6 weeks to 4 months old an adorable kitten, made some friends, watched some awesome TV, read a lot of books, sit and reflected, and just… lived a little.

Getting a wage for the first time ever has also been nice, I’ll admit to that.

I’m finding, so far, that there are two gaps that make medicine not 100% enjoyable for me. The first is that I am not my own master – being the junior really makes you junior, but that’s temporary. The second is to do with a certain young lady not being geographically located with me at present due to her medical training; that too will pass. Otherwise, medicine is kind of amazing.

There are things I miss though. I am, and have been for the first time in a while, stable. The world spins on its axis and I spin with it, not against it. It’s the oddest feeling; in some ways I feel the least ‘myself’ that I’ve ever felt. I was having a chat online with a friend tonight who mentioned he’d met an INFJ, and I thought wow, I don’t really even feel like I *am* one anymore.

Then I look at how I’m speaking with and treating my patients and colleagues, living the life of solitude and quiet reflection with interspersed social engagements, the difficulty with criticism and personality, the ‘ruthless efficiency’ of doing the job right and myself that my first rotation boss commented upon… and I realise no, I’m just as much an INFJ as ever. I’m just not labile, emotionally speaking at the moment.

I kinda miss it. It makes me feel less creative in some ways; I haven’t really written much in a while. I feel like that part of me is stifled – objectively it’s not, but it feels odd. I think it’s time I started carrying a journal again, just for daily poetry slam. That could be fun. Working on elohim again could be fun.

… I’m going to stop as this talk is highly disorganised at present. Anyway. I’ve remembered this is here, and will be posting again soon. Perhaps a frequent ‘Life as a Doc(tor)’ kind of thing. Perhaps I’ll turn this back into philosophy. Maybe I’ll rant for the lonely empath again.

Either way – I’m looking forward to wordspinning again. Let’s do it.


-Benjamin Andiyar