a warm gun

So, the Beatles tell us, happiness is – and so, Across the Universe showed us, is being addicted to opiates while being injected by hot blonde nurses.

Hm? Oh yes. Relevance.

Today is Friday, and as Rebecca Black has recently taught us, we’re all looking forward to the weekend – although I can’t honestly claim there will be much “partying” or realistically much “fun”, no matter how many times said “fun” is repeated – and to be honest, sufficient hours have elapsed since this entry was started (I know, some fifty-odd words ago) for it to no longer be Friday, but I enjoy the joke too much to change it, so let’s just dive in and see what’s happening shall we?

This has been an interesting week for me in several ways. Since my last post, I can honestly say that my mood has remained high, or at least high for me, and that my overall level of emotion this week can be best described as ‘contented’, and even ‘happy’ as an elevation thereof. This is… quite a different situation, from my typical. I sound like a fourteen-year-old wearing eyeshadow no doubt, but I find my natural state of being these days (these years?) tends to be at least 20% below contentment, even when I am content – as if I have titrated my own state to be slightly lower than it should be. This may be a result of the slow grinding down of the soul that life and med school have engendered, it may be due to the burdening cynicism that I tend to filter my surroundings through. Oh yes, I’m a cynic, despite what many people have said to me about my ‘optimism’ and my ‘naivete’, I just find it easier to present the happier, or at least less cynical face to the world. Ask any of my family though, and you’ll definitely hear the ‘glass half full’ argument as applied to my perspective. I don’t know that it’s entirely fair, but I do perhaps come across a little un-optimistic.

Ties in a little with an entry here from a few weeks ago, where I mentioned the “I have to laugh or I’d be crying” perspective, which tends to be my actual outlook on life itself, or at least on the life I tend to lead. I imagine clowns must have the same thing – cry on the inside, as it’s a show. Damn right it’s a show, and my chosen profession, my calling, requires the happy or at least the compassionate face. The second is easier, it’s more default, but as I seem to have ranted in several essays submitted to the GSM under the guise of professional development, there is no clear boundary between compassion and over-involvement, and to me that is the flaw that will, I am certain, lead to burnout.

But not this week, oh no. This week has been different!

I’m sitting at uni on the Saturday now having worked through two surgical CBL cases (I’m only 3 behind over the whole phase now! 3 cases!), have half a container of Vietnamese saté chicken in the fridge to eat in the next hour or so when I feel snackish, and am reflecting on the week gone and (being the eternal optimist I just described myself as) I’m trying to pick holes in it, and… mostly failing. This week, I’ve had my ego boosted immensely by showcasing a piece of short fiction I wrote to several groups of friends and receiving feedback that basically boils down, to me, as “yep, still got it!” (the piece is called “Fallen” if you’re interested, and it’s on FB); I caught up with several friends, being on break, that made me smile; I spent time with the family which was lovely; I… well, to be honest, I had a week of horrible eating patterns but hey, there was delicious food involved; I managed to get my GP to agree that I should have medicare-assistance for my current physio so it’s free until May; I read three novels… overall, a fairly positive week!

There is a slight negative of course in that a young lady seems to be overly enamoured of me in a way that I can’t/won’t return for her, and I’m sad to see it, but that is something that I feel will work out with time. It’s noticeable enough that friends have been commenting, and my response has been “yes, I know, and it makes me feel bad” – I dislike hurting people, in fact I tend to be harder on myself so as to spare others, and this incident is only really proving that point, but I digress. That’s the negative of the week, and as such, well… I can deal with that negative. No choice in the matter!

I suppose there’s another brief negative too in the lack of the company of some people who haven’t been around, either recently or for a long time, but sadly the stars do not always align the way that would be nice, and sometimes the lack makes for a clear head, or at least perspective. I predict, at the moment, that the upswing might just last for a while longer, and isn’t that a happy thought – I’m even planning a poetry collection I think, as I have a few things I want to put together. The last book, letters to Jessica, is a book of love poetry, effectively, and there were I think three specific subject people in the book as well as a few other tangentials. The next collection, well, for some reason I want to write a collection where the title includes the world Conversation, and each poem is actually a real letter or discussion that I wish I could have had/could have with someone(s) special, noone necessarily in particular but a similar theme to ltj. We’ll see.

I do think, though, that Conversations with You makes for a cute sounding title.



Hello world, it’s me, andiyar

Well, it’s been a bit longer than I’d anticipated since the last entry. Or rather, the last-but-one entry, as I actually did write out a rather extensive post (titled ‘Hrm’ below) that my blogging software decided wasn’t worth its time posting – or rather, my old blogging software called ecto stopped working when I applied the 10.6.6 update on my mac laptop, so… I’m on a new platform now. MarsEdit. So far… so good.

To the nitty gritty stuff though. The past six weeks have been rather crap for me in terms of my personal health – which is something that, as many of you know, has never been exactly fantastic. Sadly, I seem to get sick at the drop of a hat, and since starting medical school back in 2008, I’ve had at least one major sickness/illness a year requiring specialist medical attention. Well 2011, congratulations on being the quickest year off the mark so far! 2008 was the year of the migraine (hospital admission + neurologist in May), 2009 was the year of the pilonidal sinus (colorectal surgeon in April), 2010 was the year of the tenosynovitis (Orthopaedic surgeon in February, though the condition had been in existence for six months) and now 2011… I have an inguinal hernia. Which is causing intense discomfort, leads to sharp pain and abdominal pain, has resulted in me shocking the crap out of my liver with paracetamol and ruining my bowel with codeine (stopped thankfully) and will require a general surgeon visit and, I assume, an actual operation this time, unlike the rest of them which have been okay enough to leave and resolve on their own.

God I wish this would too, but considering how rapidly it’s progressed (6 weeks from initial pain to 11mm hernia, which is actually quite fucking scary) I’d say it is an unlikely long wait. I’m thinking I’ll be happy it actually gets operated on though, even with a slight apprehension at the thought of a general anaesthetic, as I’m starting to feel quite down due to the more or less continual pain and the pressure in my lower abdomen is driving me insane with both sensation and concern.

Yay 2011.

That said, there have been some positives so far this year. I’ve been listening to J-Pop again for the first time (consistently) in ages, and have managed to catch up on Ayu’s last two CDs – curtain call, off NEXT LEVEL is absolutely divine. Go listen, all my J-Pop listening blog fans! – as well as watch some PVs of X & Angela Aki. I also started playing piano again, although have been a bit lax the past few weeks due to feeling less than optimal, but I’m hoping to keep it up this time.

My writing is continuing… more or less. elohim hit 30,000 words and stopped as I realised I had around a third of it written and I was losing control of the plot threads, so I’ve gone ‘back to the drawing board’ – not throwing anything out, but plotting it out much better, on a scene-by-scene basis. It’s proving maddening to do so as I have six different primary narrators and the sequencing of the actual overall plot is proving schizophrenic to work out, but it’s meshing nicely (with half of said plotting done). So that’s nice. Poetry is in a stall right now, but we’ll get there.

I even managed some socialising this week, mostly on Meghan’s insistence as I was shanghaied into attending an Australia Day party and meeting some of the new first year med kiddies, most of whom (when I managed to slither out of my dark corner and speak with) were lovely; that was then followed by hanging out with some friends at a house and then the beach briefly, before I wandered back to Meghan’s place to play computer wizard and iphone repair technician person and also watched the tennis with Jeff & Holly – hey, I got to play with technology and was provided with dinner. That’s a win for me, and the afternoon of hanging around with people was fun. As I mentioned to Sir Gregorious the next day, it was a nice opportunity to see some ‘fresh talent’, of which some was indeed on display.

Reading that last sentence, I feel like a dirty old man. Ah well, the joys of late twenty-something-ness.

I think I might sign off here for the moment – off to visit Sam & Bronwyn, who incidentally are now engaged which was both a)unsurprising and b)whoa, really!? It’ll be nice to catch up – as long as my dear abdomen plays fair. Wish me luck.