once upon a december

Hello there internet. It’s been a few weeks, hasn’t it, and I hear you’ve been a bit unwell. I’m sorry to hear about it, but this is my forum – you can come later.

Heh. Just kidding. For some reason, I’m in a decent mood this evening, the past weeks nonwithstanding. Life is a bit of a random rollercoaster at the moment, with exam stress beginning to kick in (beginning, sure), health still an absolute clusterfuck, random emotional traumatic baggage, and a general sensation that things are being sucked down the drain.

Still, as I told a patient yesterday, you’ve got to smile and laugh – she commented I’d make a wonderful doctor because I was always smiling and was lovely. I jokingly told her it was either that or cry, and I wasn’t allowed to do that in the hospital because it’d upset patients. She laughed. So did I – although on the inside, Ben tapped me on the shoulder and said “yeah, sure, funny. Pity it’s absolutely true.”

I’ve likened mood to a pendulum in the past – I’m sure the evidence is searchable on this blog, it definitely existed on LJ. Right now, the pendulum is swinging down and I’m having a hard time pinning down why, other than a long list of small things that are all having a downwards pressure. Life reminds me of course that it, as well as most of the medical issues my patients have, are comprised of many small things, so there’s that of course, but I think there’s a few core issues happening, and so I’m hoping that writing this down will be a bit exorcistic for me in terms of at least putting them into words. Here’s hoping.

The first of the great levellers is health at this point – I really understand now what pain does to people. I’m perpetually exhausted, and that’s never a great sign. The pain itself comes and goes, but it’s always in the background ready to pounce when I do things like, oh, walk up three flights of stairs. It’s amazing what kind of impact it’s had on me – I’m sleeping badly; I’ve lost weight as I’m often either in pain and don’t want to eat or I’m too tired to eat or I’m eating less as filling the intestine makes it worse; the lack of positive progress in resolution is dragging my mood down, and even when I’m cheered up it’s still there; I’m having trouble with memory (both remembering stuff I’ve just done and to take my painkillers); I’m constantly fatigued; I can barely walk more than a few hundred metres without focussing on my gait and making sure my heels hit the ground before my toes… ah, there’s more, but hey.

Any one or two of those things would be dealable, it’s just the constant crushing grind that is driving me further and further down. The only benefit I have at this point is I’ve been migraine-free for almost five weeks now… though since venus factor diet reviews diet, fatigue and mood have always been triggers for me, that’s unlikely to last – and considering my life is under fluorescent lighting and that sets me off after a while, I’m just waiting for a headache slam to top the month off. It’s got five hours… taking bets now.

Another issue, about which I just posted on TLE, is loneliness, and that’s something that keeps growing as well – nothing atypical, but just another thing. It’s definitely not helped by emotional baggage at the moment, what with the fun that is LadyTroubles, although troubles is selling it too large.

I suppose to elaborate: I’m a little amused and reflective of my usual relationship with The Womens™, as a dear friend described it. The majority of my friends are female, which is both enjoyable and entertaining, and I find that I seem easily able to talk to, relate with and understand the female mindset. This perhaps makes it natural that I am in my element as the Gay Best Friend role for almost every single girl I know, while being unabashedly straight. I seem to have the ability to assume the FriendZone as a natural state of mind – which isn’t helped by my seeming propensity to cause female friends of mine to break up with their partners, simply by being a friend. There should be some way to monetise that – I’d make a freaking fortune, even as I hate that it seems to happen.

Seriously though, there’s relatively emotional baggage going on at the moment, which I can no more cease or control than I can lift a tectonic plate but cannot allow to progress due to what Miles would call chivalry and what the modern male would call bloody stupidity. I’ll take the chivalry clause, but will http://herpescure2014.com/?page_id=38 note that being an emotional wreck of a (?)man makes me engage way too easily with certain aspects of people and want to provide a level of shelter and comfort that I seem to be adept at doing – it’s just not possible to do that without chipping another layer of personal sanity away, and smiling while I do it because it’s worth it.

At least losing sanity doesn’t result in losing eloquence! It’ll get better, I can but hope – even though hope is a flawed and shattered process, it’s much like clinging to driftwood after a shipwreck, but hey – how the hell else are you supposed to wash back into shore? Just pray that the ship was closer to shore than you’re pretty certain it was.