It doesn’t really get better from the last entry. If anything, it gets worse. Admittedly I’ve finished psych, got a fantastic review, and a great time, etc, but I think it’s torn completely through the barriers I use to keep myself functioning. There are a lot of jagged edges and scars I’d forgotten or buried and I just can’t fucking deal with them right now, and they’re driving me insane.
I’ve been on wrapup this week, doing the hardcore revision etc. A friend asked how I was feeling, and I told her I was feeling “labile as fuck” – by which I mean fluctuating like crazy. I’m feeling almost bipolar, and am skittering from mood state to mood state like a frog on a hot rock.
I almost burst into tears driving home from the university tonight.
I feel almost completely overwhelmed.
I’m feeling a mix of wound as crazy as all hell controlled and like I’m about to blurt out incredibly insane secret-style things to random strangers.
I feel… rudderless.
I’ve opened up and I can’t stop it all from just bubbling through the cracks. Tonight I had the weirdest experience of being told “Smile! I want to see you smile,” while said interlocuter wagged a finger at me.
I laughed briefly – but I couldn’t smile outside of the momentary humour. Another friend in the room asked if it was uni, or what. I said that it wasn’t just uni – it was kinda life.
I’m not typically an optimist about myself. For other people I can slip that mask on, and I do, but I can’t lie on the inside forever. I just can’t find a reason anymore, not a reason for me. There’s always reasons involving others, and they are wonderful and special and important but over a dozen times today, I just found myself asking “why?” over and over again.
I need a shitload more wallpaper.